Anxious & Average | Journal Entries - Tuesday, 15 October 2019

Do you ever leave your apartment, thinking you'll be super late for work, but the trains are on your side and decide to go express once you're on and are like, "We gotta get this bitch to work! Stand clear of the closing doors."? Well, that happened to me this morning, and as I was crossing the Williamsburg Bridge, staring out the subway window, I saw in the distance a golden Labrador in one of those lavish Williamsburg apartments with big ass windows staring back at the trains and cars passing by, sitting and waiting patiently. He was surely a good boy. But was I, Madison Ross, a good boy? Lmao, the worst intro ever.

Hear me out, I definitely don't think I'd be the show dog, or the Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, of dogs. I'd probably be the dog that just happy to be here. I'd be the Andrew Garfield Spider-Man of dogs. (I wrote out numerous other comparisons. This was the least controversial one). Today, I'm talking about all the things I'm not the best at. This is more for me to be confident and upfront with what I'm not good out, acknowledging my limitations and what I'm hoping to improve on to avoid further awkward exchanges. Okay, let's start with something easy.

(1) Small talk.

I'm not good at all with socializing and social cues. In the office, I'm a broken record. "Hey, good morning! How's it going?" "Good, thanks!" Nothing good or confident will go beyond that. I can't think on my feet fast enough to think of something smooth and quirky. And I don't know how to make a story short and concise enough nor be a good story to begin with!!! So, just don't ask!!

I should just say 'nothing much,' but then there's always the polite follow up of me asking how the other's weekend went. And theirs would sound much cooler and all wrapped up in two to three sentences. Or worse a five to six minute long story of what I've probably could already guess happened based on them telling the exact same story prior to the next cubicle over. Then I have to make the intrigued sounds to show interest: "Oh really? Goodness! Wow, so happy it worked out." And I do actually listen, I just overthink socializing and try to act normal as possible. But it just comes out robotic and awkward. Not kidding, I repeat stuff like a broken record.

The biggest give away of me not knowing what the fuck to say next is me talking about the weather. This is the biggest tell of me not knowing what else to talk about. You've been warned. I am telling you, it is not me genuinely concerned about the weather, no. It is me awkwardly scraping for the last small talking point at the bottom of my my socialization skills barrel. Now, you all know.

(2) Riding a bike.

Now, I learned very late in the game, and I am a swerve-er. I cannot ride in a straight line. I'm not actually drunk, but watching, you'd be convinced so. But I like trying and getting better at it; **Cue somebody saying, "Oh bless her hurt."** It was one of my favorite activities throughout the summer. I'd feel safe riding in Brooklyn though along the coast or in open spaces to avoid any possible collisions, lmao.

If that doesn't disturb you, I once swerved impromptu off my bike to then collide into the sidewalk. My friend Steve was there; he handled it like a champ, helping me up. I didn't cry once, lol. Disturbing yes, but you bet I got back on that bike. I had rented 15 more minutes left, had to get my money's worth.

(3) Cooking.

I'm not the best but happy to learn as much as possible. I'm much better than two years ago. When studying abroad in France (putting the fact that I studied abroad there to boost the ego and snootiness), there weren't many vegetarian options, at least for going out. So, I had to meal prep and cook most of the time. Luckily, the clerks from the food markets gave me recipes and ways to prepare fruits and vegetables. Then I became today's Julia Child or Paul Bocuse, or at least 0.5/10 of their brilliance.

That's a huge step for someone who could catch almost anything on fire and make almost anything poisonous in seconds in the kitchen two years ago. Now, I'm somewhat adequate at things like meal prepping, smoothie making, and baking.

I learned how to utilize all parts of the butternut squash on a Sunday night. I also made a bomb ass smoothie with dates for this morning. We're weren't riding the 4,5, or 6 line, commuting into the city, but all the folks on the train were just as green in jealousy. My smoothies bring all the commuters to the yard. And tonight, my bananas are ripe enough, possibly overly ripe, to make a mean banana bread. Exciting stuff. But rice or fish will forever be the hardest thing for me to cook. Introducing riz flambé and saumon toxique, voila!

(4) Public speaking.

This would surprise some people to say, which surprises me. I hate being on the mic, but commend people who support me and trust me enough to believe good things will come out of my mouth while on the mic.

Fact, I've only dropped the F bomb four times on the mic. Two of the times, they were recorded on an official platform. Another fact, I almost always go off script and blackout right after speaking. If anyone has ever quoted me, most of the time I'll respond with, "wow, I said that?" I'm clearly someone you can invest in, ladies and gentlemen.

(5) Feelings.

I don't like crying in front of people. No one does I imagine, but I'm a private crier, lmao. Unless it's about my mom you're talking, you won't see me cry. Now, do I cry? Yes, but I'm for sure as hell not telling you where my hiding spots are, you cheater! This stubborn soul would rather clench her jaw and raise her shoulders in displeasure to hide her tears than be open up. Tears of joy, however, that's spirals out at random occasions. Thank you to those who get that out of me.

(6) Skincare.

My skincare routine is as basic as pumpkin flavored anything this fall. I walked into a Sephora last Saturday, only being there maybe four times before in my life. I can then imagine I'm fresh meat for all the sales associate. Tended to by three of them and learned so much. They didn't take all my money though which was good, because I got that Mint app on lock. I got a serum and exfoliator, vegan even. Nice. Still not entirely sure what a serum is though, but it feels nice.

(7) Receipts.

Not receipts as in remembering or having proof of; I have that on lock, lol. But being able to go out to a restaurant with a group of people and fucking having to calculate what folks owe with tip and tax. Now, I tutor math, love it, but this situation of dividing tip and tax with who ate what is fucking, FUCKING, impossible. Especially when you think everything adds up but somehow you're always $7 dollars short.

Like what the actual fuck?

And then when everyone brings a card, and the one person brings cash. And then someone suggests Venmo-ing and having it all on one card. Bless the soul with the card who has that trust; bless the soul who has that cash. That has to give anxiety a bunch of people. Who has hives? Like, I can do sales and merchandising math; it adds up beautifully there. I'm just not good doing that kind of math, Satan's spawn.

(8) Writing conclusions.

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