Anxious & Full of BullSh*t | Journal Entries - Friday, 18 October 2019

Relieved to find out that adulthood, at least in its 20/30's, is still a time of figuring shit out, just with more trial and errors, a lot of errors. Been receiving a lot of good advice with one of them being "fake it til you make it." Everyone has heard this. But in my mind, I assumed limitations around it. Like don't lie, of course, but think on your feet. But some would say such thinking on the feet would be along the lines of lying but phrasing it as "I'm familiar with it and am eager to apply these skills first thing on Monday."

When in reality, you don't know shit about such skills, but you do know you'll for sure be opening up the old textbooks, going to the library, googling, or whatever to make sure you know your shit for fucking Monday, lol. Not a lie but more an opportunity. Not an "I know" but more an "I could know." Especially when it comes to resumes and cover letters and references, truth has been stretched and flipped back and around for the interviewer to just take a chance. That's must be some PR skill or something, but like it's the unappreciated job skill not appropriate on the resume because it openly admits deception.

Aside from career searching, there is just plain socializing. As you all know, my social skills are shit. And there are just points where I say things where either I mean the complete opposite or am just looking for filler words for conversation. "Oh, no worries." You betcha I'm fucking worried, worried all the time. "Hey, how's it going?" Filler phrase. "Good, thanks." Filler phrase with lie; I'm not good, I'm worried. Everyone also does this, but I'm just telling you my tells. Most of the time, I'm just not in the mood to talk, no matter the person I'm with. Maybe not most of the time. There are people who just spur lively conversation out of my with constant ease. That's special. But silence overall for me is okay, (unless something for sure for sure needs to be said, like equality). I'm not mad, just not wanting words. Sometimes, when I'm on the phone with my mom or sister, there'd just be two to four minutes of silence. Most likely it's because we're multitasking and have each other on speaker, but we're comfortable enough to be together in silence. We may be hitting introverted territory, but I am an alone person when it comes to recharging. I'm like an iPhone 7; we drain battery quickly. I need alone-time especially when socially drained after work to stare at the ceiling or sit in the park and stare at the sky--in silence. Could I be overthinking shit, yes maybe--but the silence helps this now rampant mind eliminate such toxins more quickly than with socializing. Socializing while overthinking just adds on to the anxiety. Maybe I'm hitting a tiring point in the timeline where I'm not decreasing in energy, just harnessing different energy. I for sure need to be more communicative about this in the right of others, knowing it's not at all them. It's me.

Communication is important. Communicating is a good primary disclaimer to have especially in clarifying personal feelings, especially when personal feelings just want to be non-talkative. Limits confusion, misunderstandings, confrontation, and anxiety in the long run. Turtles/Tortoises are so lucky, all they have to do is just back into their shell without discussion, and they play vital roles in environmental biodiversity. Maybe I should write like an automatic reply, "Feeling anxious or overthinking too much right now. Talk later." I hope that's nice enough. How will people respond to that? Should it be more detailed? Or should I be more upfront and talk it out before peacing out? Probably so. Damn it, so much needed communication for just plain silence. Scary. I guess scary depending on the individual relationship dynamic. Still scared. I guess until then, I feel like I'll have to bullshit conversation or overcompensate in order to maintain relationships. This doesn't sustain relationships; it won't sustain relationships. But in the meantime, I'll bullshit or just shut down. Note to self: communication and realness helps eliminate bullshit and fakeness.

A lot of word vomit there. Moving on, last night I was tutoring geometry, and I honestly was annoyed by the amount of ambiguity of terms and formulas. There were moments I even couldn't remember names. I use them at work with rates and exponentials, but that's just mental math. You're not really thinking every little thing through. So, I have to reteach myself with the student and go over things step by step. Like why is it called the Point Intercept Form? How can we tell lines AB and CD are parallel with a transversal? What is a transversal? Whenever the student would ask me a question, I now just respond with another question. Either I already know the answer or frankly I don't know but phrase in a way like I do.

"How do we know angle 4 and angle 7 are congruent?" I'd then answer with,"Well, what do we already know about corresponding angles? What do we already know about transversals?" followed by "Cool, then what do we do?"

Complete bullshit.

I don't know the full definition of a fucking transversal, but I know if it crosses through parallel lines, we got ourselves congruent angles. **Flex. And luckily almost all the time, the answer's in the student's notes. And if they ever do finish a question rapidly and are like "is that right?," I'm always like "let's go through it step by step and have you explain it to me." Realistically, I don't have the mental patience to do the head math and numbers; SHOW YOUR WORK AND KEEP PRACTICING. "That's perfect, don't forget to start with slope formula and then having the point intercept formula always before the slope intercept formula." Still bullshitting nonetheless. What else do I bullshit at? Of course insta; everyone does. My eating and workout habits, I cook healthy rarely opposed to just pasta. Just now getting back into physical therapy but only if I have an instructor doing it with me. Knowing fashion; out my fashion friends I probably know the least. Knowing sustainability; out of my UN/sustainability friends, I feel like I know the least. But I think I'm of most to know both together at least.

These journal entries are a good way for me to brush away the bullshit, clarifying I don't have it together. But I have a good feeling y'all already knew that I don't have it together.

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