Anxious & Figuring Sh*t Out | Journal Entries - Tuesday, 8 October 2019

Matt gave me a tarot card reading sometime last May, discussing how I need to be a connoisseur of all traits before becoming a master, of the craft. "Of what craft?" you ask? Well, that's something I'm still lost at. Let me dig through my phone to find these cards. Disclaimer: this spirituality talk will told in very very layman's terms. Okay, the first kinda isn't really relevant--or maybe it is and I'm too out of the universe to understand it. Or maybe I'm trying to divert from its meaning because it hit too much of home. We'll never know...But the second illustrated a joker looking fella juggling two pentacles--know that the card was upside down when flipped. OOOoooh Aaaaah, that means something clearly. I don't know what but it's cool. Lmao.

"The Two of Pentacles depicts the usual ups and downs that occur in one’s life. Despite all the chaos that surrounds him, the man lives a very carefree life as he dances, and handles all that comes to him with joy," (Labyrinthos, 2017). Ooh, gotcha, "chaos." Sweet. The "carefree" part, we know, is a work in progress. Matt also mentioned I'd go through such endeavors as if it were a balancing act. As a kid, I could balance three textbooks on my head. Flex.

First going into the reading, I thought this was complete bullshit. But I'm not gonna lie, I got into it, even cried. Happy it was free, thank you Matt. I can say I've been hitting an experimental period, learning as much as I can and figuring new shit out. In both the best of ways and the worst of ways. Like I can't recall, maybe since beginning college, the last time I was doing just one job or profession or multitasking something. Gluing myself to my calendar to utilize as much time to my interests, making quick cash, or helping with something. It is now a great question to ask, "Am I using my time wisely? Am I spreading myself too thin, doing too much, to the point I'm self- sabotaging myself becoming a master?"

Like what is the point of doing all these things if there's no fulfilling outcome? I completely understand the importance of patience and waiting for greatness; however, that's only important if it's worth it, no? There is a huge difference between the value of quality and quantity, of which I feel I am failing at currently. I need to think strategically and look at what I'm juggling. What if I've been juggling a fucking flame thrower for years now without me knowing it? Oh my god, maybe that's why the card is upside down, because I'm doing a crap job at figuring out my shit. Fuck.

I'm going to not touch upon the third card, saying I'll be a master of my shit in layman's term, because that is the future of which I feel I have no relation to yet.

If anyone would like to further touch upon this card with me, I'd appreciate it. I may have just word vomited here, but I need to reflect on what I'm investing in and what I'm not whether it be professions, relationships, hobbies--the overall things that make me a master and fulfilled. If it ain't worth juggling, I need to put the pentacle down. I don't know if the metaphor was used correctly. What things do you get anxious about? What things are you juggling/balancing out right now? How is that going for you? Do you ever feel like you're hustling, but really you're just hustling yourself? MMMmmmmmm. I was FaceTiming my mom last night. As she was discussing her disappointment with the Kansas City's Chief's most recent lost at their home game Sunday night, she also mentioned how I can't be doing shit for free any more and need to hustle smart. That struct me, solidifying something's gotta change. I can imagine that's how Patrick Mahomes II's ankle is feeling right now. Poor thing.