Anxious & Heavy-Eyed | Journal Entries - Thursday, 10 October 2019

Didn't get much sleep last night. But for the past few months, I haven 't gotten much sleep; so, what makes this night more different was my bitchy attitude worsening it. This isn 't going to be a sob story where I need y ' all to feel sorry for me. This is for me to sort out my issues, hitting the root of the mentality of my sleeplessness.

I'm not sure how much I'll write, but like always, we'll let the mind wonder. For months now, I've been waking up around 3/4:00am unable to fall back to sleep. Like clock work, it could be from pain in my back, neck, shoulders, w/ lingering thoughts, noise, etc., I'll be awake. What have I done to ameliorate the situation, you ask? I take 12mg of melatonin, 1-2 pills of these natural sleeping pills (I'm not at home right now to check the brand that makes them, but it has the key ingredient Valerian root), ear plugs, lavender oil, and making sure I'm in bed by 11:00pm to ensure a somewhat restful sleep of eight hours thanks to Siri letting me know "It's time for bedtime." Yet, here I am at 2:51am staring at the ceiling, pissing off all the hard work this nightly routine has endeavored. God, fucking damn it.

I spoke to my doctor in July concerned about my lack of sleep, and she asked how much time I spend in bed. Well, after work, I do a good chunk, if not all, on my bed writing, knitting, Hulu-ing, etc. The doctor was then like, "Well, there you have it." Beds should only be used for two things, she said, sleep and sex. She recommended that I should try and do work at the kitchen table or have a chair in my room and limit screen time thirty minutes to an hour before bed. Now, have I done that? Let me ask you, do you do follow these recommendations religiously?

The first month or so, I really did dedicated myself to these night routines, but with summer nights and late work nights and just night nights, things became blurred and I fell back into the old habits of screen time and working in bed. When y'all see me on Instagram or WhatsApp or emailing past 11:15pm and before 7:00am, advise me to go to bed. This identifies the first problem I have, always wanting to stay connected without laying out, let alone respecting, boundaries I need to set for myself. I'm literally am writing this out as the first problem, not knowing what the second, third, or fourth one is. I'm just assuming I'm not done yet in explaining how much of a mess I am. This is an assumption that is factual. Okay, what is the second problem with me? *Checks under keyboard or coffee mug as if it'll appear and be like, "Ope! You found me!"* Um, overthinking is a big one.

Can't tell you how many times I wake up from sleep to stare at my ceiling and worry. Just worry. And worry some more. Maybe it could be about a small misunderstanding where the other party may not give two shits or consider it a big deal, nor a deal in general. But they could, right? They could be thinking, "Wow, Madison is such a bitch! I can't stand her. Hope she burns." Or "Madison made a mistake with a sales order or HFC. She fixed it soon after, but I'll never trust or confide in her again, that bitch." Or "I loved seeing Madison for coffee today, but she said things weirdly. I won't ever stop thinking how she used the words 'disinterested' and 'uninterested' interchangeably. What an idiot bitch."

Madison, the idiot bitch.

I want to say I'm over exaggerating on this one, but my anxieties can reach a high psycho level, making these thoughts and worries valid to think. So, where is the therapist from the community reading this journal entry to come forward and cradle me? How does one begin to stop overthinking? Would the therapist ask, "could it be a result of lack of confidence?" Would the therapist actually ask that? I don't know. Like I said, these journal entries are pre-therapist era for diagnostics.

So, I'm free falling here. Just falling without the guidance of those skydiver professionals that jump with you while you're strapped their torsos safe. And a parachute, I don't have that either. Um, yeah. If the confidence thing is partially answering this overthinking question, I can admit to being insecure about a lot of things. You feel? Like, sometimes, I'm not confident in knowing all this sustainability and responsible fashion stuff. I love it, but it's fucking hard and new and intimidating. It's evolving every day, so how can anybody know that? It's good to try and educate oneself as much as possible and be upfront that we're figuring shit out. LOL, that should be the tagline for Agenda 2030, "we're figuring shit out."

No one has all the answers, but when it comes to social media, one's personal brand, looking confident appearance wise, and just being a member of society, it seems like we have to have all the answers. Am I alone on this? To me, what I find super sexy is acknowledging my own ignorance and limitations WITH THE ACTION OF EDUCATING MYSELF AND LEARNING AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE CONTINUOUSLY TO BETTER MYSELF AND COMMUNITY AROUND ME. SooOOoo sexy. That's the under-celebrated sex appeal right there, perfumed with self-awareness, social-awareness, and substantial progress.

Is there a third problem I have with my mentality, affecting sleep? You know how you can either fight or flight when responding "to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival" (Wikipedia, 2019)? So, in the case of sleep deprivation, I could either eat my feelings and stay in bed and make the most of it. OOOoor, I can go do something about it. It's just that giraffe on the unexpected offense mentality where I don't know if I'll be direct and calm about it or be a complete bitch and brat about it. Some of you very well know. I apologize. Anger management would be the third problem, ladies and gentlemen. I got a long umbrella last night and poked it into the ceiling like an angry medieval villager to show the upstairs neighbor, moving furniture from 2:51am all the way to 4:04am, that I fucking mean business. Hard wooden floors are pretty but not fun when you're under them. Hahahaha, especially when you've been kidnapped or murdered or both and placed under the floor boards hypothetically. Lmao, it's Happy Halloween! No real way of ending to this entry nicely, but at least we concluded with three good solid problems wrong with me. Yay!