Anxious & Impatient | Journal Entries - Friday, 11 October 2019

I hate writing actually. I was a writing and math tutor, but mathematics was without a doubt the favorite child of the two, for it was my strong suit. I could do derivatives and integrals for days. But when it comes to writing, using my words and being expressive is my weakness. But so far this week, it' s brought clarity and served as a good outlet for things math can 't solve. Haha, pun.

Today is Friday, and normally I'd always pray for this day to come. Impatient for Monday to roll into Tuesday, for Tuesday to hurdle into Wednesday, and for Wednesday to hum-, uh hobble, onto Thursday with Thursday night in awe of what's to come in a few hours. Friday. But this week, I was rather unbothered by the wait. Each day this week, I had something to look forward to: seeing friends, learning new things at work, plant caring, and admittedly writing.

With the intention primarily to entertain and seek conversation among friends on common anxieties, it ended with me just wanting to clear up my thoughts. I'm still at a stage where I can't simply say these thoughts out loud for they're too intimidating to fully wrestle with. Enough to tremble the voice. Writing is great first step and unexpectedly a good release for me. [Sorry, but writing that was too sappy for me, jaded soul almost bursting into flames.] Writing gave me time to reflect and add perspective to things I would normally look at from the surface and move on from. Good ole "but how does that make you feel?" stuff.

As a part time Grinch and bitch, I had less anger and jumbled thoughts to some extent. When I took the time to think things through, I remained more calm and collected. Thinking things through lessens anger? Who the fuck knew that? Wow. [The cursing will never go away, however. Such vernacular is rotten to the fucking core.] In all seriousness, I am happy I started doing this for myself. One of the reasons why I'm focusing on impatience today is because in addition to the idea of waiting for the weekend, I've had this idea of impatience towards writing, seeing it as boring and limiting. I was wrong; I happen to enjoy the process when it comes to its creative

expression, especially on my terms. Ever fail a creative writing assignment because you didn't abide by the recommended perimeters? It was probably my fault for a bunch of other things, but those kind of classes always intimidated me and thus never resonated with me. So, I veered closer to just writing about facts, never my feelings. Up until this point, I'd only write in relation to academic journals and current events. To the creative mind, that's fucking boring, though very important, but still fucking boring to do all the time, pushing closer and closer a mind like mine's psyche into madness. Madison. Madness. Hm, an appropriate pairing.

Not saying I'm a creative writing prodigy, but it's worth a shot. Frankenstein made his own humanoid, and that went fine. Oh, wait. I don't know to what extent these entries will continue, but I am thankful for the folks reading and relating. Once again, it means a lot. Okay, enough with the reflection; I can only be so gushy for so long. Going back to Friday, I honestly was under the mindset subconsciously of it being Thursday until coworkers whispered and greeted one another with "It's Friday! Thank God!" appraisals rather than the normal "Good morning, girlie! I like that new nail polish color you have on there." Everyone is really nice at the office; I'm really lucky. Normally, I would join in the "Happy Friday" welcoming committee party today, but I'm kinda chill, free sailing, today.

Normally, I couldn't wait to receive my spec sheets for simply the quantity or numbers of it all. The sooner I got it, the sooner I could finish them. The "look at from the surface and move on from" mentality. As soon as it would hit 4:00pm, I'd be excited and joke with my cubicle buddy Kathryn on how it's almost the end of the day. Now, I'm like "Wow, 5:50pm? Time flew!" I guess when I used writing to reflect, it helped me solidify and qualify my activities and tasks more throughout the day.

Morgan said whenever I had free time to write. I honestly write these entries on the spot, not knowing how it'll end, but with main goal of gaining clarity. No real nice way of ending this. Erik ordered pizza for the office, nice! Danyell texted me about the second season of Netflix's "The Hook Up Plan" being released. Looking forward to watching that. Talking about sustainable fashion with some cool people, looking forward to exchanging ideas. Spending the weekend with a cute puppy. You bet your fucking ass I'm looking forward to that!!