Anxious & Tired | Journal Entries - Monday, 7 October 2019

Jade suggested I write about my feelings to get my frustrations and anxieties out. I was iffy, if not reluctant, at first. Then Morgan recommended I write about my feelings and perspective on various topics to potentially make money later down the line. Money? A chance for financial stability partially being covered? It was at that moment I felt I should give it a shot in the primary interest of my well being and the low chance of the bonus of buck. So, here we are. I lit a money candle just in case for extra luck.

The things that give me anxiety are as follow.

1. Money. It and any association have always brought me uneasiness. What I owe, who I owe, who owes me--it all gives a change of mood for me for the worse. Dealing with it, however, is facing it head on. budgeting my incomes and expenses, and being best friends with my bank, loan provider, and budgeting customer services. Thanks, Emily! You're a real G, a real patient G. My goals are to get a new laptop while still stable enough to pay rent and my student loans back. I just finished my income statement estimates, and I see land on the horizon.

2. Emotions. A bit more intangible than the first one, but similarity I'm not good with it nor am at ease with it. Socially impaired, I'm what you'd call a sloth who may or may not be ready to brawl if the wind blows too hard or the bananas are a bit too green for sweetness. Or maybe a giraffe on the unexpected offense-- graceful yet psycho--and all the more my spirit animal. I've taken a summer off of therapy which was unanticipated-ly yet understandably a bad idea. I had the mindset though that I was fine, "cured" even, when really it's A-okay to have a third party to help sort one's shit out. I'm in the process of looking for one in network and ready to roll their sleeves up. I'll keep you posted.

3. The unknown. Like that's fucking scary, the 'what if' of it all. Clearly, I didn't get my mom's 'go-with-the-flow' California genes, because I overthink a shit tone. This probably goes back to the whole money thing, but it also extends to the idea of what others think of me and how things don't go to plan. All ridiculous things of course to think; I know I'm the shit and effortless with everything I do, 'beautiful inside and out.' Lmao. Somebody call Sir Mix-a-Lot because I have a big BUT coming. BUT, I CAN'T HELP BUT HAVE THESE THOUGHTS IN THE BACK OF MY CRANIUM! At least this particular anxiety ages in education and learning and later reassuring those who have the same worries. Went to an open house as an Alum and talked to perspective students. It does get better; if it doesn't you'll handle it better than before and with friends.

4. Big crowds. The more the people, the faster things can escalate.

5. Bugs. Not like bees, butterflies, or ladybugs though. The last two aren't a big deal but just for general knowledge. Jade and Morgan were right. I have been tired lately, not as sleepy though compared to the previous week. I have a hot date with my chiropractor today, looking forward.